i'm a real boy
by lilypads
Summary: concerning the ever eluding question of his downstairs department. —sasorideidara / absolute nonsense.


**an/ **this may seem kind of pointless. it is. and it also seems like a bit of yaoi at the end, doesn't it? oops, that wasn't intentional. oh well. lets all take a minute to think about sasori and deidara having hot, hot kinky sex with wooden appendages.

done? good, me too. ;)

enjoy.

**disclaimer/ **i don't own, otherwise these two would be canon forever. this is clearly crack, and isn't it just wonderful?

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"So," Deidara mused, filling up the silence that wafted between him and the puppet master.

Scowling, Sasori turned narrowed eyes on his idiotic partner, their latest disagreement fresh in his mind. It was back and forth between the two, Sasori absolutely _adamant _that "fleeting art" was a complete pile of shit, whilst Deidara threw back that his "eternal art" was a) boring and b) really boring. Somewhere along the line, he'd included the words "explosion" and "un", but Sasori had tuned him out by then.

The blonde was currently sat upon a futon, flicking idly through a book that Sasori had left out, obviously unaware he was intruding on someone's personal space. Which shouldn't have surprised the puppet master, as the boy was ignorant to everyone's personal needs and space. But, as Sasori had never had the virtue for patience, nor the personality that inhabited being _nice _he decided this was enough.

"Deidara."

He looked up, raising both eyebrows. "Yeah, un?"

"_Get out._"

A beat of silence, then: "Sasori-danna, you're no fun, un," getting up, the blonde stalked over to Sasori. "You just spend all day in here, playing with dolls like a prissy little girl, un."

Somewhere inside Sasori, a coil snapped. "I'm warning you," the puppet master said in such a calm voice, it was chilling to the bone. "Leave me alone before I _kill you._"

He stared up into the explosives masters blue eyes, wondering why he wasn't moving, when the boy dropped to his knees. A sigh of great irritation left Sasori's wooden lips, he put down the limb he was currently trying to fix and gave the other male a deep glare.

"Don't you have someone else to annoy?" Sasori asked, barely able to keep his voice from teetering on a growl; there was something about Deidara that just really irked him, it was probably that he didn't understand when someone wanted to be alone. Or it may be that Deidara's view on art—and oh, what shoddy art it was—stemmed from creating something, to then blow it up. Prey tell, what exactly was that point of that?

Deidara shook his head. "Hidan's out," he said, unaware of the tangible death vibes rolling off Sasori. "Hey, danna?"

He gave up. "What."

The glint in the blue eyes had Sasori instantly regretting humouring his partner. There was never a good result when Deidara was giving him that boyish, mischievous look that could only end up being either utterly moronic or completely ridiculous. Or both.

"You know how you're made of wood, un,"

"...yes."

Sasori did not like where this was heading.

"Well," Deidara began, pressing his lips together to hold back a depraved girlish giggle. "Does that mean you don't have a penis, un?"

For about two minutes, there was stoic silence.

Sasori tried not to burst at the seams, quite literally, and beat his partner into near death—where in kami's name did he get _that _question from? And what was _more _concerning was, _why _did he even want to know? Surely, it was more than obvious that as a puppet, he did not need those types of appendages. The act of indulging in anything akin to intimacy was frivolous to begin with, so why would he need _that, _anyway?

If he could shudder, this would've been the appropriate moment to do so.

"You disgust me," the puppet master spat vehemently, truly feeling nothing but disdain.

As if he hadn't even heard Sasori, Deidara ploughed on. "Did you get rid of it, yeah, or did you just re-build one? Even though it wouldn't work if you tried to use it."

This conversation—could he even _call _it that?—was turning into a mortifying nightmare. Sasori craned his neck to stare viciously at the boy, who unabashedly stared back, a small grin pulling at his lips. The brat was finding it _funny. _The coil began to clench tightly, causing the puppet master to really let out a strangled growl; he'd die before he told this idiot what he did with his own private parts.

"If you don't want to be ripped into four different segments," Sasori began, tone harsh and cold. "Then I suggest you leave this room within the next five seconds."

The blonde stood up, raising his hands in the air as an act of defence. "I was just curious, un," then he took a few cautious steps back as Sasori narrowed his eyes dangerously. "Anyway, I've got some art to explode, un," Deidara turned around and walked to the door, ignoring his partners grunts of disapproval. Turning back to face Sasori he added, "When you figure out how to use it, let me know, yeah!"

Sasori picked up the limb and threw it directly at Deidara, hoping to at least leave a mark, or better yet, knock him out.

Unfortunately, the explosives master was too fast—or expecting it—as he dodged easily, smirking and leaving the room as Sasori practically shouted after him. "_DROP DEAD!_"

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Down the hall, Deidara sat in a room with both Hidan and Kisame, smirking as the two moved in closer to hear.

"Nope."

Hidan looked ecstatic, ready to rip the shit out of the freak puppet boy; Kisame just looked utterly appalled—what kind of full fledged man would willing get rid of _that?_

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Sasori stared down at himself, satisfied by what he saw.

"Next time Deidara comes asking, lets show him what exactly _we're _made of."

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**an/ **personally, i reckon he doesn't even have a wooden willy. but whatever, it's more fun to think he just built a wooden one, attached it and pretended he could use it. haha, sasori playing with a hard, wood penis (pun _definitely _intended).

btw, yes, he _is _contradicting himself, but he's a man with an ego, and that's what men do, right, right, _right? _right.


End file.
